Devil May Laugh
by CloudMistDragon555
Summary: A trilogy of comedy sketches based off of the first three Devil May Cry games.
**Devil May Cry**

One night, Dante was in his office, sitting on his chair by his office desk with his legs relaxed on the desk, taking phone calls from customers calling for services.

"Devil May Cry," he answered as he picked up the ringing phone, "how can I help?"

The customer on the other line asked if Dante could slay a devil for them.

"Oh sorry," replied Dante, "we close service at nine."

The customer on the other line then asked if service was closed, why were phone calls for service still open.

"Oh," said Dante, "our devil hunting services are closed, but our pizza delivery services are still open."

The customer on the other line then asked if they could order a pizza.

"Sorry," apologized Dante, fighting a chuckle, "we're not serving pizza right now due to a massive dough shortage."

The customer on the other line then began getting angry and asked in a harsher tone than before why they weren't properly stocked on dough.

"Hey, dough is like money," Dante made a cannier than he realized comparison, "it doesn't grow on trees."

Just then, a giant truck carrying a huge load of pizza dough came crashing through the wall of Dante's office. Trish got out of the driver's seat and walked towards Dante's desk with a smug grin on her face.

"But it does come crashing through the front window…" Dante said with a cocky grin. "We'll continue this thought-provoking discussion about the meaning of life later…"

Dante hung up on the irritated customer, his attention focused on Trish.

"Well well," said Dante as he eyed Trish, "the pizza delivery guy got hotter since the last time I looked at him."

In response, Trish laughed.

"At least you didn't go with the more predictable joke…" Trish said ominously as she made pizza dough appear in her hands with her devil powers. "That the delivery girl got...DOUGHIER!"

Trish then threw the pizza dough onto Dante and zapped him and the dough together with a lightning bolt from her right palm. Dante staggered back and grunted in pain as the dough began to expand from the heat of the lightning and cover him.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Trish guffawed mockingly. "What's the matter? Didn't your daddy ever teach you how to make bread?"

Trish kept shocking him until Dante tripped over his desk after stumbling back far enough and fell over. Trish then made a giant pizza box appear with her devil powers and threw it at Dante, but this time, Dante had a counter move prepared…

"Actually…" Dante replied as he pulled out his sword from the sheath on his red coat. "My mom was the breadwinner in my family…hyah!"

Dante let out a heroic cry as he sliced through the dough and the box at the same time, then whacked what was left of them at Trish with the side of the blade. Trish let out a yelp as she dodged to the side and fell to her knees. Dante walked up to her and pointed his blade at her.

"You got some nerve trying to sneak attack me…" Dante remarked, grinning at her. "You must think you're the best thing since sliced bread...but I don't like a woman with an ego…"

"Please…" Trish replied, unphased. "I have the humility to admit defeat. But I'm not your enemy…"

"I AM!" a familiar swordsman in a blue coat yelled. "DIE!"

Dante blocked the swing of a katana just in time, and looking at the assailant, he recognized him instantly…

"Vergil?" Dante said in surprise. "What are you doing here? Last time we met, you were chasing waterfalls in the demon world. Literally..."

"DmC: Devil May Cry-verse story…" Vergil replied in a menacing voice. "And we just talked, remember?"

"Oh, your voice changed…" Dante said, realizing what happened, that Vergil was the one who had called him earlier. "That's why I didn't recognize you on the phone…"

"No one gives me crap customer service...AND LIVES!" Vergil cried as his Summoned Swords materialized around him.

"Woah!" Dante exclaimed as he grabbed Trish by the hand and the two of them ran through the hole in the wall made by the crashed pizza truck. The Summoned Swords locked onto Dante and Trish, and they dodged the swords just in time by jumping out of the way, behind the pizza truck. Looking inside the truck where all the pizza dough was stored, Dante and Trish got an idea…

"Face death like men, cowards…" Vergil said as he followed them behind the truck and got a surprise when he peered inside the back. Dante and Trish cackled as they threw a huge blob of pizza dough on him. Caught off-guard, Vergil was smothered in it. Dante then got out Ebony and Ivory and began shooting Vergil with the guns as Trish fed her power into them. Soon, Dante fired a hyper blast that knocked Vergil down to the ground unconscious.

"You were a formidable opponent as always, Vergil…" Dante told Vergil. "But unlike us, at the end, you didn't deliver…"

Dante and Trish then high-fived with triumph.

 **Devil May Cry 2**

Dante had just defeated Arius in the office in his skyscraper. Grunting as he staggered backwards, Arius cried…

"No! I was supposed to be king of this world!"

"King, huh?" Dante replied facetiously. "Well...here's your crown…"

Dante pointed his guns at Arius...and fired a golden crown at him. The crown hit Arius in the face, causing him to stumble back in pain and fall out a window.

"YAAAH!" Arius screamed as he fell. Below him, a derpy waste management worker was wheeling a vat of radioactive waste on the ground.

"This looks like a good place to leave this hazardous waste!" he exclaimed as he set the waste there by a dumpster and walked off. And so, Arius fell in...the dumpster, his fall cushioned by a mass amount of trash bags in it.

"Phew…" he said in relief.

But unbeknownst to him, on the roof of the skyscraper, another derpy waste management worker who was wheeling another vat of radioactive waste, came out from an underworld portal he had accidentally walked into and looked down below from the roof…

"This looks like a good place to DUMP this hazardous waste!" the other not very bright waste management worker exclaimed as he emptied the barrel of radioactive waste from high up above. From that distance, he couldn't see his boss, Arius, in the dumpster below…

"AAAHH!" Arius cried as the waste fell on him and mutated him.

Lucia, who had returned to Arius' corporate headquarters to try and help Dante, stumbled upon the mutated Arius as he leaped out of the dumpster and confronted her.

"WOAH!" Lucia exclaimed in surprise upon seeing him in his new form. "What happened to you?!"

"I got wasted…" Arius replied. "Figuratively AND literally! Now that my plan is ruined, I'm going to take out my frustration on you simply because I have nothing better to do!"

"I don't think so!" Lucia yelled as she pulled out her short swords. "I'll send you back to hell!"

"Ha!" Arius jeered. "What can you do against me? You're just a mannequin! I'll send you back to JCPenney!"

And so, the final battle between the creator and his creation began...and concluded fairly quickly after Arius charged at Lucia and tripped over himself.

"Ow!" Arius yelled in pain on the ground. "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

Lucia just stared at Arius in disappointment.

"Um...a little help here?" Arius asked Lucia.

Lucia just walked away…

 **Devil May Cry 3**

Dante had just gotten out of the shower and saw that the phone on his office desk was ringing. Walking over to it, he answered it as he sat down in the chair at his desk.

"Hello?" he said to the person on the other line. "Sorry, we're not open for business yet."

"Huh?" the person who turned out to be a Hell Pride replied. "I was just calling because I wanted to get your address-"

Dante threw the phone back on the hook.

"I haven't even picked a name for this joint yet and I'm already getting calls." Dante said as he grabbed a piece of a pizza he had ordered and started eating it. "Maybe the people in this town are just feeling lonely."

Just then, Arkham entered Dante's office, holding his black book in one hand.

"Is your name Dante, by any chance?" Arkham asked as he approached Dante.

"What's it to you?" Dante replied back. "You want my autograph?"

"In a manner of speaking…" Arkham said ominously as he donned a sinister grin. "You could save me some trouble in forging your suicide note by writing your name in blood in this book…I hope writing out "Dante chooses death." won't be too much trouble..."

As Arkham presented the book to him, Dante just smirked.

"Which part of the book?" Dante asked, unintimidated. "If you're looking to kill me, I'll warn you that it won't be easy…"

With a quick motion of his right hand, Dante thrust the book up, hitting Arkham in his chin. Then, while the book was still hanging in mid-air, he tore the front cover off the book and whacked Arkham across the face with it, making him spurt blood. Arkham fell on the floor and went sliding across the room, leaving a trail of blood on the floor from his bleeding mouth. The book landed on the floor where its front cover had been torn, and Dante kicked it across the floor, mopping up the trail of blood with its pages.

"To cover up your tracks." Dante finished, as he tossed the front cover Arkham's way.

"Ugh…" Arkham groaned as he saw his damaged book, the pages ruined by the stain of blood. "My book…"

"Just be grateful I didn't mop the floor with you...oh wait…" Dante taunted the defeated Arkham. "I did."

"..." Arkham remained silent for a short bit before he began to laugh. He then began to transform into his alter ego, the demon, Jester.

"Ah ha ha ha ha ha!" he laughed as he stood up, now in his trademark attire. "Nice one, devil boy! But I'm the one who tells the jokes around here! Don't think you're out of the water because you beat me! You're only a little fish next to Vergil, and soon you'll be gasping for air!"

"Pfft." Dante said, again unintimidated. "And what makes you say that?"

"Because you've got a meeting with him at 12 o' clock!" Jester exclaimed as he pointed his scepter at where Dante was standing and a portal opened up below him. "You'd best get hopping over there before you start flopping over there! Ha ha!"

"Woah, woah!" Dante cried as he fell through the portal and reappeared at the top of Vergil's tower, where Vergil and Mary/Lady were facing off.

"I know what you did, Vergil!" Mary yelled as she fired missiles from her Kalina Ann at him. "My father only joined forces with you because you forced him to!"

"Is that what you believe?" Vergil retorted as he cast a shield upon himself to defend himself against the missiles. "Foolish girl. The only thing I forced your father to do was be as ruthless of a killer as I!"

"Wait, isn't that worse than forcing him to become your subordinate?" Dante chimed in.

"Shut up!" Mary shouted at Dante, now pointing her missile launcher at him. "You couldn't possibly understand!"

"But I do…" Dante replied in bemusement. "What, do you think being Vergil's lackey is worse than being a murderer?"

"Vergil's lackeys are murderers!" Mary exclaimed. "That's why I have to kill you!"

"What kind of backwards logic is that?" Dante asked. "You think I'm with him?"

"Why else would you be here?!" Mary interrogated. "I won't fall for your deceit! Die!"

But as Mary prepared to fire and Dante prepared to dodge the missile, Vergil suddenly slid across them, slashing both of them with his Yamato.

"No…" Vergil said. "THUMB...DIE."

Mary and Dante fell to the ground and laid there bleeding from the sides of their stomachs...until being near death awakened their inner demon powers. Their wounds began to heal and they jumped up, a purple aura exuding from both of them. They then charged at Vergil, who, in surprise, drew his katana in defense.

"What?!" he cried. "I killed you two!"

"You killed Mary…" Mary replied. "My name now...is Lady."

"And my name...is Man." Dante followed up. "Goodbye, Vergil…"

"NO!" Vergil shouted as he tried to slash them with his Yamato, but Lady and Dante jumped in the air to evade it. Lady then got out her Kalina Ann and blasted Vergil with a missile from it. Dante followed the attack up by lunging at Vergil with a kick in the face as well as a stab to the chest with his Rebellion sword, a combo move known as the Killer Bee Stinger.

"Agh...AAAGGGHHH!" Vergil cried as he stumbled back in pain and fell over the tower's edge. He was able to save himself from falling to his death by opening up a portal on the ground that led to the demon world.

"Phew…" Vergil said as he went down the waterfall in the demon world. "For a second there, I thought I was…"

Vergil was interrupted by his apparent death when he hit the rocks in the current below the waterfall.

Having watched this through the portal, Lady and Dante began reconsidering changing their names…

"You know, I don't think we're going to get much going for us in life with names like "Lady" and "Man"..." Mary said.

"Yeah...I don't even think names like that will get us past the border…" Dante remarked.

"HA HA HA HA HA!" Vergil laughed maniacally as he got up.

Still bleeding on the rocks, he thought…

 _No matter what your name is, you always end up on the other side..._


End file.
